hearts habitually

hearts habitually

go where bodies cannot

follow – we are asking

to be held without

asking to be held .

20151027:1842 y

Source: hearts habitually

i remember when your head caught flame

I’m not going to sleep, I tell myself as I curl up in a ball on my parents bed/ sofa/ chair/ anywhere.

I’m not going to sleep, I tell myself again as I zombie walk to my bed when my dad soothsayes me from wherever i have dropped dead.

I’m not sleeping, I tell myself as I’m sleeping on my bed, under my blankets, so very obviously sleeping.

but in all chaos there is calculation

If you think about it, it’s terrifying that we live a life that in which anything possible could happen. Everything could change. Our life wouldn’t be the same again. Every unthinkable thing that is possible, could happen!
And we have no way to control it!
And no way to foresee it!

We live like we have control over our life. We fight for what we want and we choose what we want and we want. (“The Buddha said that suffering was caused by desire, we’d learned, and that the cessation of desire meant the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn’t fall apart, you’d stop suffering when they did.”)
But the sad truth is, we are helpless.
As we grow older, take our next breath, which I don’t have to remind you, is numbered, we are helpless because life goes on and without noticing it (such sad species, or are we?), we are being pulled alone, our choice amounted to nothing.

I don’t say this with an aversion to living and to spending and to working hard and to enjoying. I love living life. I even love every bite of the fat loaded, also has bacon, burger that I’m devouring (sadly not at the moment). I love every piece and bite I take of life.

But occasionally, I think of the future and it’s bleak pitch black dark ass. And it terrifies me.

It terrifies me how anything, wildly anything could happen and in my saner moments, who I will become.

Sometimes I say that I don’t mind who I turn out to-be in the future, save for the fact that I have what I want or I’m at least working towards it and I’m having fun at it.
But oh, how I lie!

I’m a child. And the priorities I have right now, that mean the world to me. They are terribly close to my heart. If you told me that in the future, my priorities changed to being a mom of whatever number of kids and caring for what who, I would be appalled. It wouldn’t matter to me if my future self told me that she was brilliantly happy and loving her life, I’d secretly hate who I’d become and would hope for otherwise.

That brings me to another aspect of the pitch dark black future.
While a sudden thing could upturn our lives, so can all the little things. Change, is freaking terrifying. And we’re changing as we speak.

This reminds me of a picture of Calvin and Hobbes that really hits the point home.

Spoiler alert – you can believe anything you want. Don’t let your imagination be intruded (intruder-window).

This post doesn’t really have a lesson to it. These are my musings on the hopelessness of life and they don’t have a solution.
Even self death isn’t an option – because what is after? Death terrifies me too. That’s why I don’t ever think about death (it’s alright if you do, its fine).
But that’s for another post. [ okay maybe not really- I can’t fathom the thought of me not thinking. I can think of everything, but thinking of me as a vacuum is improbable to me. Night-vale level. More on that someday.]

I guess to end this, I would say, the future might be in the dark, but I still live, today. And do you.

i hate my skin

i hate my skin

i hate my skin

i hate my skin

i hate my skin

i hate my skin

i hate my self

i hate my skin

i hate my skin

i hate my skin

we’re reeling through the midnight streets

“We all change, when you think about it, we’re all different people; all through our lives, and that’s okay, that’s good you’ve gotta keep moving, so long as you remember all the people that you used to be. I will not forget one line of this, not one day, I swear. I will always remember when The Doctor was me.”

The Doctor, Doctor Who.

You know how you’re first marriage at 22 years old ends up a fail?

Yet you remember you loved him and you were so in love and you’ll always love him. And whatever the disaster, you’ll always have the little moments, those loud sudden laughs, those sun-kissed youthful memories and evenings spent staring into each others eyes. And his six pack.

—————————

That is certainly a thing, but somehow i’m still 17, never been married and its 03:19 in the night.

Life. Life is made up off those little moments. You might have gone to a Star Trek casting call and you might have traveled hours to reach there and emptied your wallet and finally never give the casting call because of somewhere you had to be, but you also met a really nice person who will forever be held in your memory.

Yes, that happened.

When you look back at who you were, you see those little things you were made up off, those memories of late midnight car trips and bad dad jokes. This is what i was made off:

Mazes

When i was small (still, actually), i had a huge obsession and craving for mazes. I loved him. I loved them to death. As soon as my mother brought me a maze book, I’d get to it and finish it off. I did every maze that stepped inside the perimeter of my house. I love the puzzle to them, i love how you can map them inside your head and it fits perfectly and a finished maze is the best feeling of accomplishment ever.

Enid Blyton

The day i stepped out of the womb, I was a reader. My mum read to me as a baby, she brought me books, she showed me pictures and words filled with stories.

And so began my journey. Of reading the same books a hundred times, of reading aloud, of reading in bed and of more reading. I very distinctly remember being a little me reading my mum a recipe book in the kitchen while she did her stuff. I remember being the cliché child who woke up too early on weekends and awoke my parents and took over their bed to read some Mr. Meddle. I remember my mum, me and my sister being so excited about a picture book called ‘The tiger who came to tea’, i got from school.I had the book for a week and even though my 3 years younger sister could read perfectly and my mum was obviously her age, we poured over that book a million times.

Years later, we still talk about it. And we all still love the book.

Hiding in malls

We were quite the mall going family. My parents would shop and me and my sister would hide. We’d hide in the clothes (we were tiny) and we’d hide from each other and we’d hide from our parents. But we were always watching our parents(?).

Washing the dishes standing on a bench

Some things are just so timeless! Just yesterday, I did the same thing (minus the bench)!

I’d stand on a bench to make myself higher and rinse the dishes my mum passed while hearing my mum tell stories or discussing adult-y things with my mum. Yes, I was quite the good kid.

Epic cleaning and decorating our house

I remember, once we were cleaning the house and i suddenly decided that wouldn’t it be nice if i placed my toys all around the house covering every inch of the wall border. My mum did not like this idea very much. Never the less, i still did it and halfway through the second room and out of small toys, I was extremely proud, yet i came to realize that this was indeed a terrible idea. #mumisalwaysright.

Disney movie collection

You know that thing you have which brings every other kid of envy and you to maternal pride?

This was it for me.

I’d even go to that far saying that it was my CD case that brought me the most pride. It was the start of my newly acquired possessiveness over my things. It was the coolest CD box ever. It was transparent purple in colour and the CD’s stood standing and they had buttons so that i could choose the exact CD and it would come out for me. It was a pop out CD case and i loved it. It also has a sheet of paper where i was to write down the CD name so i could match it with the number to choose it.

My dad brought it for me and i don’t think i will ever forget how excited over that box while my father showed me the controls and then i carefully put my CD’s in it.

Not chewing

This is the one that gave me a nick name. It was certainly peculiar, tired my parents endlessly and i had no idea why i did it. It was the silliest of things. I would take a spoon of the food and put it in my mouth and never chew it. I would just literally keep it in my mouth. My parents would keep telling me to chew. I was extremely tireless.

Jean obsession

I had that one pair of jeans, I wore everywhere. I wore them everywhere. At home, out and wherever. I’m very happy that young me took good fashion choices but i don’t think i’d ever like to see those jeans.

Play on weekends

On the first day of weekend, after lunch, my parents would take a nap and our weekly cleaner would come. My sister and me, almost never slept afternoons. Instead we played. Either one of us sat on the swing and the other skated in the intervals. Other times we would go down to cycle. Or sometimes we would just silly play. Especially when our cleaner would hang all the chairs on the dining table upside down and move the sofa’s and mop. Kids at their best.

Stupid fights with my sister

Need i say more?

Hair

Get ready for some history!

For my early childhood, I had the cutest boy cut. I was adorable and you knew it.

Next was the customary fountain pony stage. Everyone commented on it.

After this, I don’t remember what cut i had. But then i remember i had shoulder length hair and i made my dad cut me bangs because my friend did it.

Then my hair grey in various stages. After it was pretty long (but not so long), i decided to get a step cut. I moved to another place and cut my hair short again. Then i grew it once more. Then i got side bangs.

And then i cut it VERY short. It was manic pixie and i loved-hated it. I didn’t quite have the handle on my hair yet and puberty but i loved short hair.

From then, every year I’d go on another crazy cut. I’d have crazy impulses and do it all over.

Then one year, I decided to shave half my head!That was by far the best idea yet because I hadn’t asked my parents yet! —- My dad walked in on my sister doing the deed and he freaked out. The next day, I loved it and the begrudgingly they accepted it.

That was the early days of this year. From then, I’ve gone through an extreme want for blunt bangs but i have controlled myself. But as my personality and hair cutting impulses always shine through, I’m about to cut my hair this week! So.Excited.

About my shaved head, well, i’m still growing out of it and it is currently in the spiky weird stage and needs gel. I don’t regret it for once second.

———————————————————————————————————————————————————–

It is now 04:25 and i don’t see the point of sleeping.

(that’s probably the hair cut I’m getting)

I know that sometimes life doesn’t really go the way we wanted it to go. But rather than where we are, It’s the journey that mattered. Never forget who you were because you owe your current self to that person. And never be ashamed, because life is not a thing to be ashamed about! Life is to be lived and cherished! So don’t waste these moments.

[By now, I’ve been awake too long to form coherent thoughts. It’s time to sleep. The drugs have been exhausted.]

Whatever it may be, know that i was writing this with a smile.

girls with heads inside their dreams

That’s who i am.

I live in my head. I think all day. I carry a kitty in my pocket. And i randomly shave parts of my head.

Sometimes, i paint comic strips on my wall. Sometimes, i make crack brownies in the middle of the night. Sometimes, I run off for an extra’s casting call across the city and enter stranger’s cars.

I’m the one who impulsively and annually gets a crazy hair cut. I’m the one who imagines being Scarlet Witch while walking down the street. I’m the one who writes my graduation speech, the night after graduation day.

I’m quite small and I’m still taking my baby steps. I don’t know how to make my decisions but I’m still making them. I’m aiming for the stars so i can land on the tree tops.

I’m both clueless and infatuated with plenty of things at the same time. I don’t believe there will be a time where i will be sure of what i want to do because there are so many amazing things in life and i can’t imagine not doing all of them. But like the Robert Frost poem says,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
This blog is about my stoner days, about my cray-cray delusions, about my thoughts on how i view this world on sleepless nights and with starving brains.
Stay. Have a biscuit.

you buy me orange juice

“We’re not God’s children, we’re not fairy tale characters in a true love book, we dance like mother fuckers so the grass can’t grow underfoot.”