University Diary #2

1 episode and 27 minutes into the second episode of Serial (podcast)

At this point, I believe Adnaan is the killer. However much he may seem to appear as a normal teenage guy, he was also pretending to be a good Muslim to his parents, so why couldn’t he have faked being a good person not wanting to kill someone he could possibly have reasons to kill? After all, i see no other possible other suspect who would want to kill Hae. It could also be that I’m way to early in the podcast to say that- so till my knowledge, i have no reason to believe anyone else could have the possible motive to murder Hae. Also, the fact that Adnaan doesn’t remember the day his ex-girlfriend went missing is a bit suspicious. So i feel, that if the judgement was my decision, up to this point with the knowledge I’ve acquired, I vouch for Adnaan as guilty.

Why, you may ask, am i telling you this in my university diary?

Well, plainly stating, i don’t feel a lot of joy at a particular group of people i have been placed with at my university. So i choose to talk about Serial. It’s not that i actively hate all of the people. I don’t hate naybody. I’m just having a hard time finding my place and finding my people and relating to the group of people i find myself in and i don’t think it’s going to be in a group where makeup is big talk.

I guess i miss having a connection. And I’m bad, very bad, at connecting with people. I’m withdrawn and weird and unsociable and i give of a vibe that might be interpreted as rude. I’m reserved. And shy. And so i appear as rude and proud or something, or maybe as that insignificant silent person you don’t really pay attention too. It’s not a good place to be.

There are people at my university and my course that I’m very interested to have a conversation with, and i do, but in some classes, I’ve been placed with a group and i don’t feel accepted, in fact i feel deliberately left out and it’s very emoji.

But I’m prepared to live through it. (Provided my best friend is always there by my side). Because that’s life and it’ll happen again and it’ll never stop happening. You can’t choose the people who appear in the space around you. And maybe. just maybe, I’m being a bit difficult and i should try to find something relate able with these people because after all they’re all just teenagers like me, but when i”m in that situation, around people who are saying at one hand that they could introduce everyone to a few guys because they know everyone and then commenting like, “Do i look like i know anyone?”. I’m quoting, for real.

And they’re the people that bitch about others. I say ‘bitch’ because there’s no other verb that fits. Yes, even if that person you speak about is understandably unliked (by me too), but speaking about him like an appaling thing and having an attitude about it, isn’t cool in my book. I mean, how’dya like it if someone did the same bout you?

And you could argue, that I’m doing the same right here. But I’d say that I’m just venting out my feelings of being alienated. Of perhaps being alone and lonely. Which Mr Robot showed is something we all never want. And i do realize that these people are as human and people as me!

But it’s hard. It’s hard being that girl who is shy and reserved. It’s hard when to me, I’m being dipped with ice cold water of the different people who talk about things i don’t think about. I feel like i don’t fit in, so i extract my self (the space inserted was intentional), and i distance myself and everything they say that is alien to me, dissuades me because it makes me feel alone. And it’s not a fun feeling. Especially when you maybe get that they might not consider you one of them too, but they’re cool with it because they have each other. And what do i know, i might be the victim of the behind-the-back-bitchin too. (HA)

I feel like I’ve painted a very terrible and negative light of the life I’ve had of university yet. It’s not all that bad. There are really good parts too.

Like the classes. Picture me mind blown. I like every single class of mine. I find them all super interesting and exciting. Which reminds me that i haven’t exactly does my reading for tomorrow. Err…

I feel like this is the part of my life when i’m learning amazing stuff. I have an assignment where i have to take 8, 15 second shots and 2, blank 60 second footage (still confused about that). While i haven’t taken any of the footage yet, I like the feeling that I’m actually going to be doing the things that we see being done, or if we’re being technical, the final product of the things people do (in filming, i mean). For my videos, I have idea of maybe a shadow play for one of them. And one thing i want to do is film traffic. Or not traffic exactly, but cars at a stand still at a signal.

The reason behind this is today, while walking to university, a group of cars were just as pause, and when i exited my thoughts and looked at them, i felt like something was extremely odd and these cars were all just standing there for no reason. Then i wondered if a gas in the cars had killed all the people. Then i wondered if maybe it was a zombie apocalypse (somehow, this thing always turns up)!

But then when i looked at the bigger picture, other cars the signal were moving. It was in a weird way, a startling experience for me. I wish to capture that on film. We’ll see if i’m successful.

For another video, i plan to shoot (not literally), one of my pretty birds- parakeets. I believe my best friend will be very happy about this. The bird in question is named Mango, the obvious child of my creativity, and the favorite of everyone.

My blabbering is probably boring anyone who has read till here. Life is very ordinarily all encompassing, if you know what i mean. All this is so very insignificant but it’s what’s happening to me and that’s why I’m writing about it. Which brings me to this, If anybody is reading this, and has even a bit of clue about what I’m going through, and has experiences and words i can relate to, i want you too (leave a comment with whatever you have to say- this a request from the heart). If you know how it is to feel alone, then you’ll know how much words can mean too.

I don’t want to write this post without mentioning the really cool people I’ve met in university. There are people that are so interesting and a breath of fresh air and different in surprising ways. And there’s the people who are my stream. One very awesome person can’t go unmentioned. It’s very nice to be reminded of the good parts in the not so good parts. And it’s a good reminder for me to make more of an effort with the people i like but due to my lack of social skills, i don’t honor.

This is my first venture into the almost real world. I’m bound to find it difficult and hard to cope. But i can be myself with a few people and I’m glad to have those people (old friends i haven’t forgotten you). Those people know what the me inside is like. And i do vow, to make an effort to give every type of person the full opportunity of knowing me and liking me even, and i shall do the same for then and i will also go the extra mile with the people i say hello to in the hallways.

Which brings me back to Serial. Sometimes we’re all like Adnaan, pretending to be completely different people with different people. But at the end of the day, our feelings always win. Adnaan’s feelings might have won, his lives and double personas exposed, but is he still lying to himself?

Are we lying to ourselves? Am i lying to my self? Who am i, anyway?

(Okay i probably took that in a completely out of earth direction).

P.s. I realize that this post is named ‘University Diary #2’, when the supposed ‘University diary #1’ never came out (like anybody cares…), but I just wanted to say I am aware and as soon as i am done with it, i shall post it, albeit in the wrong order.

emoji 2   emoji poop

Cheerio!

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One comment

  1. Akahayla · October 19, 2015

    *sigh* I totally understand what you are feeling. I am not one for small talks which is apparently very important to start a conversation with a stranger. And every time I wonder if we’ve been friends for long enough so I can show you the tip of my crazy iceberg. (I’ve realized that one month is too less of a time since I freaked a bunch of people away from me…)

    Liked by 1 person

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