hearts habitually

hearts habitually

go where bodies cannot

follow – we are asking

to be held without

asking to be held .

20151027:1842 y

Source: hearts habitually

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i remember when your head caught flame

I’m not going to sleep, I tell myself as I curl up in a ball on my parents bed/ sofa/ chair/ anywhere.

I’m not going to sleep, I tell myself again as I zombie walk to my bed when my dad soothsayes me from wherever i have dropped dead.

I’m not sleeping, I tell myself as I’m sleeping on my bed, under my blankets, so very obviously sleeping.

University Diary #2

1 episode and 27 minutes into the second episode of Serial (podcast)

At this point, I believe Adnaan is the killer. However much he may seem to appear as a normal teenage guy, he was also pretending to be a good Muslim to his parents, so why couldn’t he have faked being a good person not wanting to kill someone he could possibly have reasons to kill? After all, i see no other possible other suspect who would want to kill Hae. It could also be that I’m way to early in the podcast to say that- so till my knowledge, i have no reason to believe anyone else could have the possible motive to murder Hae. Also, the fact that Adnaan doesn’t remember the day his ex-girlfriend went missing is a bit suspicious. So i feel, that if the judgement was my decision, up to this point with the knowledge I’ve acquired, I vouch for Adnaan as guilty.

Why, you may ask, am i telling you this in my university diary?

Well, plainly stating, i don’t feel a lot of joy at a particular group of people i have been placed with at my university. So i choose to talk about Serial. It’s not that i actively hate all of the people. I don’t hate naybody. I’m just having a hard time finding my place and finding my people and relating to the group of people i find myself in and i don’t think it’s going to be in a group where makeup is big talk.

I guess i miss having a connection. And I’m bad, very bad, at connecting with people. I’m withdrawn and weird and unsociable and i give of a vibe that might be interpreted as rude. I’m reserved. And shy. And so i appear as rude and proud or something, or maybe as that insignificant silent person you don’t really pay attention too. It’s not a good place to be.

There are people at my university and my course that I’m very interested to have a conversation with, and i do, but in some classes, I’ve been placed with a group and i don’t feel accepted, in fact i feel deliberately left out and it’s very emoji.

But I’m prepared to live through it. (Provided my best friend is always there by my side). Because that’s life and it’ll happen again and it’ll never stop happening. You can’t choose the people who appear in the space around you. And maybe. just maybe, I’m being a bit difficult and i should try to find something relate able with these people because after all they’re all just teenagers like me, but when i”m in that situation, around people who are saying at one hand that they could introduce everyone to a few guys because they know everyone and then commenting like, “Do i look like i know anyone?”. I’m quoting, for real.

And they’re the people that bitch about others. I say ‘bitch’ because there’s no other verb that fits. Yes, even if that person you speak about is understandably unliked (by me too), but speaking about him like an appaling thing and having an attitude about it, isn’t cool in my book. I mean, how’dya like it if someone did the same bout you?

And you could argue, that I’m doing the same right here. But I’d say that I’m just venting out my feelings of being alienated. Of perhaps being alone and lonely. Which Mr Robot showed is something we all never want. And i do realize that these people are as human and people as me!

But it’s hard. It’s hard being that girl who is shy and reserved. It’s hard when to me, I’m being dipped with ice cold water of the different people who talk about things i don’t think about. I feel like i don’t fit in, so i extract my self (the space inserted was intentional), and i distance myself and everything they say that is alien to me, dissuades me because it makes me feel alone. And it’s not a fun feeling. Especially when you maybe get that they might not consider you one of them too, but they’re cool with it because they have each other. And what do i know, i might be the victim of the behind-the-back-bitchin too. (HA)

I feel like I’ve painted a very terrible and negative light of the life I’ve had of university yet. It’s not all that bad. There are really good parts too.

Like the classes. Picture me mind blown. I like every single class of mine. I find them all super interesting and exciting. Which reminds me that i haven’t exactly does my reading for tomorrow. Err…

I feel like this is the part of my life when i’m learning amazing stuff. I have an assignment where i have to take 8, 15 second shots and 2, blank 60 second footage (still confused about that). While i haven’t taken any of the footage yet, I like the feeling that I’m actually going to be doing the things that we see being done, or if we’re being technical, the final product of the things people do (in filming, i mean). For my videos, I have idea of maybe a shadow play for one of them. And one thing i want to do is film traffic. Or not traffic exactly, but cars at a stand still at a signal.

The reason behind this is today, while walking to university, a group of cars were just as pause, and when i exited my thoughts and looked at them, i felt like something was extremely odd and these cars were all just standing there for no reason. Then i wondered if a gas in the cars had killed all the people. Then i wondered if maybe it was a zombie apocalypse (somehow, this thing always turns up)!

But then when i looked at the bigger picture, other cars the signal were moving. It was in a weird way, a startling experience for me. I wish to capture that on film. We’ll see if i’m successful.

For another video, i plan to shoot (not literally), one of my pretty birds- parakeets. I believe my best friend will be very happy about this. The bird in question is named Mango, the obvious child of my creativity, and the favorite of everyone.

My blabbering is probably boring anyone who has read till here. Life is very ordinarily all encompassing, if you know what i mean. All this is so very insignificant but it’s what’s happening to me and that’s why I’m writing about it. Which brings me to this, If anybody is reading this, and has even a bit of clue about what I’m going through, and has experiences and words i can relate to, i want you too (leave a comment with whatever you have to say- this a request from the heart). If you know how it is to feel alone, then you’ll know how much words can mean too.

I don’t want to write this post without mentioning the really cool people I’ve met in university. There are people that are so interesting and a breath of fresh air and different in surprising ways. And there’s the people who are my stream. One very awesome person can’t go unmentioned. It’s very nice to be reminded of the good parts in the not so good parts. And it’s a good reminder for me to make more of an effort with the people i like but due to my lack of social skills, i don’t honor.

This is my first venture into the almost real world. I’m bound to find it difficult and hard to cope. But i can be myself with a few people and I’m glad to have those people (old friends i haven’t forgotten you). Those people know what the me inside is like. And i do vow, to make an effort to give every type of person the full opportunity of knowing me and liking me even, and i shall do the same for then and i will also go the extra mile with the people i say hello to in the hallways.

Which brings me back to Serial. Sometimes we’re all like Adnaan, pretending to be completely different people with different people. But at the end of the day, our feelings always win. Adnaan’s feelings might have won, his lives and double personas exposed, but is he still lying to himself?

Are we lying to ourselves? Am i lying to my self? Who am i, anyway?

(Okay i probably took that in a completely out of earth direction).

P.s. I realize that this post is named ‘University Diary #2’, when the supposed ‘University diary #1’ never came out (like anybody cares…), but I just wanted to say I am aware and as soon as i am done with it, i shall post it, albeit in the wrong order.

emoji 2   emoji poop

Cheerio!

everything’s cool when we’re all in line, for the throne

I might be an 18 year old person (very recently), but i stand sit here to tell you that my dad still feeds me (literally his hand to my mouth) everyday. Or almost everyday.

I am seriously not kidding. Whenever my dad is eating something, i go stand next to him and open my pie-hole wide, quite like a bird, and my father delivers food to it.

Read on below to discover some embarrassing and weird anecdotes from my life. (?)

My childhood nickname

So obviously, kids are weird. And I was one. Hence i was unbelievably weird. Though, it’s not like i’m less weird now!

Like every child has one, the one extremely weird thing i did which made my parents sob, was not chew food. This was a regular dinner table fried of mine. And my parents nagging was nothing but counter productive. Hence i was given the nickname- ‘Sabah Chabah’, which translates quite literally to ‘my-name chew’. Obviously it rhymed!- it was meant to be.

Biting

This started when we got a cat- who i named Rory (yes, after him -to all Who fans). Now Rory used to do this thing when in the morning if you moved your leg or toes under the blanket, she’d run after it and pounce and bite. I liked it quite a bit and then you knew i was doomed.

After a very short time, we had to give Rory away (yes there were tears involved- but not mine). Before you know it, I have a strong urge to bite, a gnawing feeling in my teeth to bite- but not bleed- but strong biting urges and they drove me crazy. Luckily at that time, my mother was more than happy to roast peanuts and place them on my desk on all my afternoons which were filled with study (ah high school), and i would thoroughly enjoy biting them. I ate a lot of peanuts. Peanuts were like my religion.

I still faithfully love peanuts but I’m far too lazy and so the roasting and the gobbling happens much less now. Though the biting still exists. I now use my human subjects (the parents) as chew toys and my arms as a self-hickey canvas.

I also feel compelled to mention that I’ve asked my mother for the biting thing you buy for babies (take a guess) and that i had another kitty (named Chicken) who was the adorable-est little biter and i loved it and i love her.

I have exceeded the limit of cat pictures and videos i can post today.

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Meet Chicken (as i call her) or Billy Boo, as my mother calls her.

It's so hard to get a kitty to pose with a book….

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I love her very much as i am her mother and she is my Chicken.

Behind the scenes…. #kittywithabook or #catwithabook

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Did i mention the biting?

I'd be mad at her, but then i love her

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Yes, i even let her bite my favorite book! #perksofbeingamother

I guess you could say that due to my history and love of cat-bites, the cats have shared with me half of their beautiful canines (i have the cutest lower canines) and their urge to bite everything like a chew toy and of course, their cuteness. If you don’t believe me, just ask one of my friends.

Psst: I also have a human cat friend.

Horrifying-incident-that-happens-years-ago-that-still-makes-me-cringe

Once on my birthday, an elder person at school wished me, and i said ‘Happy Birthday’ back to her…..

I will never forget that and i will never not cry about that and i will never not cease to be grateful (greatful?) that because of my mouse voice and its inaudible volume, she never heard me.

The dreaded fancy dress (*show presenter voice*)

So of course, i was in a fancy dress. I was Little Red Riding Hood. I was perfectly prepared. I was cute and i had a basket. I had lines to say. My mother was so proud.

I. Didn’t. Say. A. Word.

——————————————————————-

I promise you, my life has been a series of embarrassing events. But due to having a  human brain, they do not come to mind as of now- i shall keep adding as life keeps happening.

but I’m a kid like everyone else

This week on John Green-esque movies and eating dark chocolate bars (assorted) and drinking stuff from big BR plastic smoothie cups (water, really), and wearing pjamas otherwise known as ‘lazy pants’, this not dying-girl brings to you: Me, Earl and the dying girl and Paper towns!

Right now, I should be heading down to the grocery and buying stuff and make lunch but it’s already too late and so I’m eating Fleur De Sel Noir bars (Dark chocolate with salt) and listening to Death cab for cutie. I promise you i only get this way after watching some movies. Apparently, Me, Earl and the dying girl is one of those movies. But now, I seem to be at a loss of words. I guess i don’t really like reviewing movies.

I like the feeling. I like the feeling that movies (some of them) leave in you, and i like the feeling of living i them. I like being in that fantasy place in my head and feeling nostalgia and the happy smell (?) of memories.

Me, Earl and the dying girl was a nice movie in the sense that they had perfect proportions of awkwardness, friendship, life and cancer in it. You could make your assumptions on me based on the fact that i like this movie, and i wouldn’t care. A very simple and ultimately cliched idea -cancer girl, this movie does it well. Granted it’s based on a book, which i have but purposely haven’t read because i believe books before movies spoil movies but nothing can spoil books. If this movie is on the idea of the very hyped and over used idea about a sick girl, all the other parts of this movie tone that very part of it and make a honest to god film about life in the teenage and just juggling life.

A search into google about ‘cancer girl movies’ tells me i haven’t watched a lot of them. But i have watched Now is good, which i loved. And The fault in the (or is it our?) stars. The very obvious part of difference is that MEATDG is not a love story- it definitely has got romantic notions (see the real meaning dickheads), but it’s not about falling in love.

Wait, the girl in Safe Haven had cancer? Why don’t i remember?

Oh yeah, because Nicholas Cage Sparks (ew Cage!) movies are only for hot guy staring (  ).

Stuck in love had cancer girl but that movie was soo good it doesn’t matter (wait who had cancer??). It seems i’m forgetting everything.

A little bit of heaven- this movie was the bomb! My sisters keeper was alright. A walk to remember wasn’t that bad! Sweet November – don’t get me started on the manic pixie dream girl thing. Stepmom was okay.

Movies I’ve watched but don’t remember who had cancer – Safe Haven, Stuck in love, The last song, One day, P.S. I love you, The sisterhood of traveling pants….NO, i remember that one.

This post is so uncoordinated because i don’t think anyone (except my best friend) reads my blog and these words i write.

So anyway, MEATDG was a really wonderful movie with pretty nice cinematography (my media production class compels me to notice such stuff), and a beautiful script and a nice message and I would recommend it because it really touches the heart and also reminded me of high school.

Continuing with this theme of high school nostalgia and John Green everything, I also watched Paper Towns.

I felt Paper towns really honored what Hank Green said about the movie, something like we are all ordinary people doing ordinary things and it is up to us to find the extraordinary in it. I had imagined the movie to be very movie and pretty picture and mystifying and amazing, quite like the Margo- Q imagines her to be. But up close, she (the movie) was like an adventure to have with your best friends before high school ends, very real and relate-able. Especially the smiles that Nat Wolff gives when he remembers the happy things, it felt like the stupid smile i give when i remember the sleepover at school i had with my friends.

Did the movie succeed in humanizing Margo Roth Speigelman or the infamous Cara Delgfdgjrgr? I think it did. Even though Q still believed that Margo was still amazing and something, Q realized that Margo was not the pop up beautiful girl with the mysterious aura around her and he respected her and believed that she wasn’t someone to get. Paper towns did diminish the fantasia-l overview of what we maybe believe someone to be.

And it sort of reminded me, of the fact that we’re all flat outside of our heads (paper town for a paper girl).

That’s all for today, you might here from me again today reviewing weird types of chocolates pretty much collectively disappointing with two other weird people who make up a part of my world.

Just remember, in today’s world, we don’t see people as real people with thoughts and feelings, but as a set of character traits and theories we imagine them to be, but everyone, everyone is themselves, just as full of a human being as you are. Nobody is that one dimensional villain or that blond girl who has perfect hair all the time. Everyone is a full three dimensional person, and you might not understand them or get them but they are as real and true as anyone else.

Everyone deserves a chance to walk with everyone else.