but in all chaos there is calculation

If you think about it, it’s terrifying that we live a life that in which anything possible could happen. Everything could change. Our life wouldn’t be the same again. Every unthinkable thing that is possible, could happen!
And we have no way to control it!
And no way to foresee it!

We live like we have control over our life. We fight for what we want and we choose what we want and we want. (“The Buddha said that suffering was caused by desire, we’d learned, and that the cessation of desire meant the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn’t fall apart, you’d stop suffering when they did.”)
But the sad truth is, we are helpless.
As we grow older, take our next breath, which I don’t have to remind you, is numbered, we are helpless because life goes on and without noticing it (such sad species, or are we?), we are being pulled alone, our choice amounted to nothing.

I don’t say this with an aversion to living and to spending and to working hard and to enjoying. I love living life. I even love every bite of the fat loaded, also has bacon, burger that I’m devouring (sadly not at the moment). I love every piece and bite I take of life.

But occasionally, I think of the future and it’s bleak pitch black dark ass. And it terrifies me.

It terrifies me how anything, wildly anything could happen and in my saner moments, who I will become.

Sometimes I say that I don’t mind who I turn out to-be in the future, save for the fact that I have what I want or I’m at least working towards it and I’m having fun at it.
But oh, how I lie!

I’m a child. And the priorities I have right now, that mean the world to me. They are terribly close to my heart. If you told me that in the future, my priorities changed to being a mom of whatever number of kids and caring for what who, I would be appalled. It wouldn’t matter to me if my future self told me that she was brilliantly happy and loving her life, I’d secretly hate who I’d become and would hope for otherwise.

That brings me to another aspect of the pitch dark black future.
While a sudden thing could upturn our lives, so can all the little things. Change, is freaking terrifying. And we’re changing as we speak.

This reminds me of a picture of Calvin and Hobbes that really hits the point home.

Spoiler alert – you can believe anything you want. Don’t let your imagination be intruded (intruder-window).

This post doesn’t really have a lesson to it. These are my musings on the hopelessness of life and they don’t have a solution.
Even self death isn’t an option – because what is after? Death terrifies me too. That’s why I don’t ever think about death (it’s alright if you do, its fine).
But that’s for another post. [ okay maybe not really- I can’t fathom the thought of me not thinking. I can think of everything, but thinking of me as a vacuum is improbable to me. Night-vale level. More on that someday.]

I guess to end this, I would say, the future might be in the dark, but I still live, today. And do you.


One comment

  1. passionfortruths · September 29, 2015

    And behind all chaos or peace is the exercise of free will


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