but in all chaos there is calculation

If you think about it, it’s terrifying that we live a life that in which anything possible could happen. Everything could change. Our life wouldn’t be the same again. Every unthinkable thing that is possible, could happen!
And we have no way to control it!
And no way to foresee it!

We live like we have control over our life. We fight for what we want and we choose what we want and we want. (“The Buddha said that suffering was caused by desire, we’d learned, and that the cessation of desire meant the cessation of suffering. When you stopped wishing things wouldn’t fall apart, you’d stop suffering when they did.”)
But the sad truth is, we are helpless.
As we grow older, take our next breath, which I don’t have to remind you, is numbered, we are helpless because life goes on and without noticing it (such sad species, or are we?), we are being pulled alone, our choice amounted to nothing.

I don’t say this with an aversion to living and to spending and to working hard and to enjoying. I love living life. I even love every bite of the fat loaded, also has bacon, burger that I’m devouring (sadly not at the moment). I love every piece and bite I take of life.

But occasionally, I think of the future and it’s bleak pitch black dark ass. And it terrifies me.

It terrifies me how anything, wildly anything could happen and in my saner moments, who I will become.

Sometimes I say that I don’t mind who I turn out to-be in the future, save for the fact that I have what I want or I’m at least working towards it and I’m having fun at it.
But oh, how I lie!

I’m a child. And the priorities I have right now, that mean the world to me. They are terribly close to my heart. If you told me that in the future, my priorities changed to being a mom of whatever number of kids and caring for what who, I would be appalled. It wouldn’t matter to me if my future self told me that she was brilliantly happy and loving her life, I’d secretly hate who I’d become and would hope for otherwise.

That brings me to another aspect of the pitch dark black future.
While a sudden thing could upturn our lives, so can all the little things. Change, is freaking terrifying. And we’re changing as we speak.

This reminds me of a picture of Calvin and Hobbes that really hits the point home.

Spoiler alert – you can believe anything you want. Don’t let your imagination be intruded (intruder-window).

This post doesn’t really have a lesson to it. These are my musings on the hopelessness of life and they don’t have a solution.
Even self death isn’t an option – because what is after? Death terrifies me too. That’s why I don’t ever think about death (it’s alright if you do, its fine).
But that’s for another post. [ okay maybe not really- I can’t fathom the thought of me not thinking. I can think of everything, but thinking of me as a vacuum is improbable to me. Night-vale level. More on that someday.]

I guess to end this, I would say, the future might be in the dark, but I still live, today. And do you.


i hate my skin

i hate my skin

i hate my skin

i hate my skin

i hate my skin

i hate my skin

i hate my self

i hate my skin

i hate my skin

i hate my skin

that drink you spilt all over me

Like Pudge Halter believes that Alaska Young is not only the sum of her parts, but greater, I believe that i am the universe, unfolded.

I believe that one day, I will explode and I will splatter the blood of my galaxy all over.

I believe that my mind s like the Tardis, smaller on the outside and infinite on the inside.

And that’s why, I believe we should all watch Doctor Who, to remind us of the possibilities and amazing that are outside the boundaries of reality, and to dazzle us with the beauty of the universe and the excitement of discovery and in the end, the wonder that is us.

we gladiate but I guess we’re really fighting ourselves

So lately, I’ve been binge-ing on this wonderful TV show called Hindsight. (Watch the trailer here.)


On the eve of her second wedding to a boy-next-door type, Becca travels back to 1995, the eve of her first wedding to a long-haired, accented artist. Armed with what she now knows — her first marriage crumbles, her family implodes, her best friend stops speaking to her — she tries to make it right the second time around (once she stops freaking out about being back in 1995).

It’s so good because:

a. the 90’s.

b. Lolly. I have got the hugest character crush on her. I love how she is this quirky, fun, crazy but still understanding person and she says exactly the right thing!




c. travel time. What an under-rated plot device! And I really love how this show keeps it very real-kind-of-ish. It’s very genuine and it’s got a lot of things spinning out of control and going of handedly crazy -much like life! And i love the element of irony this show brings, because you might be from the future, yet you still do not know the future!

d. no fucking technology! There’s like pagers in the show! I might have been born in the late 90’s and my father might have sold pagers once (and even smuggled some shit), but i do not remember ‘the time of the pagers’ even a little bit. I’m still a bit hazy on what they really do. Anyway, it’s so completely different and fresh to me that i like it very much.


e. the music. Due to the fact that i was in my baby years in whatever i had of the 90’s, I don’t remember any of the music. So this show brings a lot of eye openers to me and I’ve liked pretty much all of them yet. And i have heard EVERY person say that they bombed it with the music.

f. the drama. I never thought i would say it!, but i do like the drama in this series. It’s all very messy and over the place and genuine and connectable! And the way the characters deal with it, especially before the 6th episode, feels very real and doesn’t feel like a glazed tv show with terrible plot devices. It’s also incredibly funny and enjoyable. And it’s very easy to get invested in it, and simultaneously root for someone while liking the others too, because the character are fully well-rounded and they’ve got all sorts of aspects to them. Plus, this show bring some questions and decisions which are very new due to the travel time conundrum. So its interesting AND fun. (There are hella lot of fun moments.)


g. the characters! And the best thing is, they have flaws! And their flaws are so beautiful. Every character has self-doubt moments and confusions and terrible days and sad times. But they also have each other, and this combined with the writing just makes the show even more lovable.


h. the friendship!! Lolly and Becca are friendship goals af. They have the goofiest, cutest, perfect, funny and meant to be relationship. They complete each others sentences. They have the perfect responses. They’re there for each other. In conclusion, every girl needs a bff like Lolly.


(why yes, those are purple Doc Martens)



i. hello, the 90’s!


Along with all that combined, this show is just wonderful and so much more!

I love the friendship of Lolly and Becca and i think i mentioned that i love Lolly. I love the 90’s fashion and the knee socks and the motorcycle jackets and the chokers! I love that this show is just tricky and it’s not predictable and it twists directions. And that it  shows that you don’t really know the future. The characters are very human and it’s very easy to connect with them. And another bonus is that, every episode always has wonderful moments and really good and heartfelt lines (many by Lolly), that completely sell the show to you.

And a lot of it is about second chances and making differences and discovering yourself. And making mistakes. It’s all about making mistakes, even the second time around. And about accepting them and trying to amend them. And it’s also about acceptance, of not only others but yourself.

By this time, I have said a ton too many of ‘and’s about this show which i think is brilliant.

But it doesn’t end there.


Since I’m primarily a 2000’s kid, the fashion of the 90’s is very new to me. And wonderful. And very me!

So i did a bit of digging, which turned into a lot of digging, which led to a downward spiral fall into even more love with the 90’s style! But like, in this weird way where I’m not sure i even like it but I’m madly in love with it. I mean, woah!


And what is grunge even?!



Crop tops! Plaid!


Like this post is okay without a floral dress!


What happened to knee-high socks?!


motorcycle jacket, check. Crop top, check. High waisted jeans, check. PLAID shit on waist, MOTHERCHUCKING CHECK.

And don’t even say it, crimped hair!!!!

crimped hair


Then i went the further mile, and watched Clueless for the first time.


I know, i know. What have i been doing all along?!

But now, now I know, I know that grunge, is the style of my heart. Grunge, is me.


Now I might regret this in the future, but right now, I love everything about the 90’s! I love the choker necklaces, leather jackets, plaid shirts, woolen sweaters, fanny packs(!), platform sneakers, cargo pants (I’ve always loved them tbh), plaid schoolgirl skirt, dungarees, bandannas, denim vests, rainbow tinted glasses, boyfriend jeans, oversized blazers and oversized everything and DOC MARTEN OBVIOUSLY.

Who doesn’t love Doc Martens?

Speaking of not loving things, Birkenstocks are a big no-no for me. And I’m not high on crop tops either. Or turtlenecks unless they’re on the likes of Tom Hiddleston. And no body glitter or jelly shoes. Or bedazzled tank tops!



Buttons down shirts, colored tights, bike shorts, cowboy boots, legging, court shoes.

Conch Shell necklaces, straw hats, black shoes, and hipster belts.

Checked shirts, granddad cardigans, long, unkempt hair and Converse trainers.

These are a few of my favorite things.

Not to forget, the man himself, Kurt Cobain, who brought the grunge to the funk, with his mismatched oversized outfits and shaggy mops of hair. I can’t think of anyone in history who could make a flannel look so good, and with so little effort.


Now, I’m off too obsess about more 90’s fashion, catch up on the rest of Hindsight (which I hear has been renewed for season 2!!!!) and watch My so-called life and The craft and 90210 and other 90’s things.

And i do too, ask everyone to tune in to Hindsight and check the fabulousness out!

Better yet, do it with a best friend!



“I was a teenager during the 90’s and my fashion style swinged from floaty floral dresses worn with DM’s, tight shiny maxi skirts with cropped tops to full on grunge, a 70’s suede coat and plaid shirt. I had massive platform shoes for dancing and trainers to match. Bootleg trousers in lycra, maxi skirts in lycra, crop tops in lycra and all black in colour.”

Excerpt from here.